Affaire de coeur

wahahahaaa. fucking tired. omg. at first the night was damn boring. like, standing outside mdm wongs’ and staring at the guys talking. it was seriously, sian. but then after waiting for eons, we finally went 7-11 and bought some drinks. i got amsterdam. 11.??% lol. drank 3 quarters and almost gone. lol, weird how your body system wrks. after that went in and danced till like 1.30am and decided to go visit shawna @ club95(old) and now called foca me pub or club. was goood.

honestly, shawna.. i think you’re pretty lah. maybe because of the waterfall. nah, im kidding. but yeah. you’re pretty. haha. so after chatting and all that, went home. lol, and here i am. ranting about how boring it was at mdm wongs because it’s so heterosexual and my classmate dancing was hahahaa, interesting.

i’m so gonna fall asleep soon. my eyes are going to shut. but i’m supposed to go and shower before actually sleeping. so it sucks. but, whatever. my bro’s back frm camp and i have to share the damn room with him again – so sad. he should just permanently sleep with my mom. i’ll be sooooo happy! no one disturbs me and no one complaining when i sleep awfully late or come home late.

i think the alcohol hasn’t worn off yet. that’s why everything is actually magnified. like,f eelings and focus. a bit dizzy. i didn’t even know waterfall was meant to make someone drunk on their birthday or something until shawna told me. LOL.. *madness* ok, at least i’m not down yet. just proves i rock, cos i can tahan.

k lah, i go shower. taa.

i’m feeling rather extreme.
mmm. slitting of wrists has come to mind recently.
breaking promises with 4 people.
heart aching this is.
i’m wondering why i put so much feelings into a ‘relationship’
i know has 70% possibility of not working.
and still rather wait till the end of April.
just to affirm every single negative thought in mind.
i still rather wait and be hurt and all. how stupid.

i havn’t done anything that’s been on my mind recently.
i havn’t been going out because everyone’s been busy.
i’ve been cooping myself up at home, in my room.
even though school’s been alright, it’s hard maintaining this facade.
when i’m so hurting inside, when i need her assurance.

suddenly feel suicidal. lol.
ashton is so funny. hah.. he’s feelin suicidal but wtf.
he’s still making so many damn jokes lah.
and peisin’s like trying to comfort me.
since she’s leo also. blaaa.

now, how do you describe this feeling?
the need to cry but still laughing because of the jokes.
not sure whether i should be happy or just keel myself.
oh well nvm. let optimistic me take over.. gees.

today’s a tired-me day. nothing happening.
5 lessons straight today, tiring because each lesson’s 1.5 hours.
supposed to go club95 (new one) to visit shawna,
but kai en has work and stephen is tired.
plus sarah says she’s not going clubbing till like, next month.
i’m lazy to ask anyone else.
laptop is lagging like nobody’s business & mp3 player also.
i guess i’ll just sleep early and be a good girl lah.
unless some unexpected person comes and asks me out.
tomorrow ending school ultra early, like.. 12.30pm.
nothing to do, really.
i know s won’t be free and whatever since she always isn’t.
even though it’s not good to assume, i’ll just do so.
since it’s always this way. no point asking.
please don’t tell me the next time i go out is june?
suffer the anti-socialness. bluh..
it’s actually amazing it’s thursday. lol. time pass so fast.
it’s more amazing that it’s 29th march..
judgement day will come soon and i’ll have to be ready for whatever.
maybe someone will be a nice person and bring it even nearer.

i think that mixing with different groups of people can get a bit weird.
you’re not particularly close to anyone of em, but you just hang out.
but i think it’s nice enough having a few people to stick to.
it’s just nice sometimes.. better than being totally anti-social.

seriously, today’s seriously fucked up.
firstly, joey + glenn project presentation was fucked up.
and it made us all fucked up too since they are our classmates.
and we fucking care. therefore, we all were concerned.
second, people not replying to messages and calls piss me off.
just answer and tell me straight in the face.
be fucking honest and quit giving me last minute messages.
if you say you feel bad, MEAN IT. my god.
feeling bad don’t amount to any of this fucking crap shit.
and not answering at all, wtf. if you’re busy just say so in the first place.
be considerate. i’m wondering if you’re even telling the truth.
everyday got new excuse, i’m not THAT understanding.
and since you’re delaying every single fuckin thing..
it’s pissing me off even more. like seriously.
i hate being left hanging somewhere without any answers.

discovery of another flaw, impatience.
but after going through feelings that are rollercoaster-like,
who can blame me? you’re just pushing it.

there’s one difference between me and you. i am an independent thinker, you are not. my dear teacher. you may learn psychology, but what’s so big a deal about that? can you tell what i’m thinking, or manipulate us into really thinking your way? you seek answers from God. i seek them from deep within myself. and i’m a stubborn idiot, because even though you people might think that God gave the answers to me. i wouldn’t say so.

just egoistical ol’ me.

i’ll wait, till i break.
i’ll smile, till i cry.
i’ll tolerate, till i numb.

but back to the smiles,
back to the long waits,
and the tolerating..

for someone i know i’ll love.
it’s one vicious cycle, i know.

but it’s love we’re talking about here.
how long do you take to find someone you might love?

baby, will you be mine?
you put my heart on hold.
you’re leaving it out here in the cold.
i’ll give you the time you need.
but don’t take too long,
for i’ll last only that much.

it seems as though,
you’re free to manipulate.
even though i wouldn’t think you would,
i’m a bloody skeptic.
japan seems a confirmation,
of the faith we’re going to put into this.

i’m wondering when we’ll ever meet.
i think i love sabotaging myself, unconsciously.
maybe because i don’t believe,
that life would be good for me.
and you leave me hangin here,
wanting an answer and more security.

but i’ll just believe that things will work.
that nothing’s impossible.
that’d prolly empower me for a bit.

till then.

i’m so fucking happy. and soooo surprised and all.
i don’t know how to describe can?

S says:
oh…anyway i saw the mail
S says:
well i do like u
S says:
but due to my work i dont think i can give u happiness
S says:
i always gave u disappointment
S says:
which i feel really bad abt it
seff says:
um, ok. means what?
S says:
give me sometime
S says:
i will work things out

^^ and she asked if i’d like to go japan with her next end of the month. ahhh. so excited. ok, now.. to get down to the part to whether i can actually GO or not. blah. sucks not being 18. lol. and school, but i can catch up i guess. extra lessons after i’m back?

ahhh. stupid me. i’m so … o_o undescribable. too much happiness and happinesses inside. ok, now… back to the part i have to meet and actually get along. need need need. i’m soo.. HAPPY. O_O

SHOULD I TAKE A MATHS. O_O ok i think i will? 70 mre bux a month. gonna have to inform my momma.. but maths is.. *-* dies. i dunnooo. see my test marks first then decide.

today didnt turn out so bad afterall.

i won’t, anymore. if this continues on and on. i’ll just be cold. i’ll just give up and stop trying more than i actually should. i’ll stop caring. and being totally into you.

i love alcohol, even though i shouldn’t take too much.

beeen staying at home for like eons la.. because i didn’t ask anyone out. and i’ve been having pimple breakout lately. so irritating. been watching anime at home.

i miss herr. she’s coming back sg today.
seriously wanna see her soon,
no matter what the flaws are.

i’m too flawful. had bonding moment with mom.
reading horoscopes together. lol, hilarious.

i suppose it describes me uber well.. so it’s true.
and my mom thinks its true for her as well. blah.

http://www.astrologycom.com/precession.html

there, clickit.