Affaire de coeur

don’t take away my place in this world.
i’m not a nobody. i will not be.
surrounded by these four walls everyday.
four months of self-eradication.
i’m suffocating, they are coming in on me.
i break free.
i tear myself away from these chains,
even though they bind and hurt me.
and i bleed.

i am in a new world, of people.
the wounds still existing.
i am my own me,
struggling without self-identity.
broadening my horizons.
being naive and child-like.
i was a person in love for the first time.
copy, paste. copy, paste.
just little parts of it.
roller coasters, up and down.
down and up. upside down.
learning bad habits, experimenting.
absorbing new knowledge,
even though it is not advisable.

forced to grow into a person older than i am.
my thoughts mature, i start analysing.
forced to think that stereotypes suck,
even if i keep stereotyping.
self-centered, but caring.
happy, but sad.
it’s good, but it’s bad.
how do i please you, maam?
how can i make you smile?
i learn that straightforwardness is me.
i learn that i do not always have to comply.
but i am still learning.
i’m still struggling.
i still have no identity.
everything of me are little bits of other people.
a little bit of everything.
i make it a part of me.
what i want people to view me as.
my desires and wants of people.
i compromise.
and i don’t.
somehow i’ll have myself benefit too.

from abstract, to the non-abstract of writing.
i’m tired of trying to be someone i want to be.
i need to learn more, be more than what i possess.
i need the ability, even though i am tired.