Affaire de coeur

Go do yours. and comment me your linky.

hold me. hug me. embrace.
but i don’t want to feel.
feelings make me go crazy.
it’s an internal conflict,
between the mind and heart.

today was a non-stop fight between heart and mind. the brain was trying to force the tears back in. and the feelings made the tears want to spill. it did eventually spill, out of anyone’s sight gratefully. several times. thank god for not crying in class. GOD. that would have really gotten me killed. thank god for a class that doesn’t really care whether i exist or not since i’m pretty much labeled ‘bo chup’ already.

ok, my brother just ran pass me and mumbled something about having stomach ache at this hour.

this is cracking me up. >.

past feelings of loss don’t go away easy at all. even though i should have long gotten over it. am afraid to lose something important again. so very afraid. sitting in the taxi yesterday i had to struggle with those feelings, even now. the evening felt so grim, waiting for my mum’s admission into the hospital wasn’t supposed to be so grim. but the journey there was, definitely. thoughts of what would go wrong, and if she was to pass on. silent tears. i’m wondering how we’d ever live. so dependant on her emotionally sometimes. i place the burden of my emotions on her, so i don’t have to feel it. and because she can cry and feel so much. i can withdraw and not feel anything.

if my mom believes in God, and she does. i want to know what God’s trying to do. she was going to start work again, and God – you had to create drama again. your sadistic tendencies. and she even brings the bible to the hospital.

though, i’m not clueless. i’ll still question.

senseless impulses. maybe not senseless, but it does appear senseless the next day when you feel very sober.

i miss. but then again, i’m high. it’s 5.14am now. i jus got back from bbbc. i “accidentally” called a certain someone. cus i missed her. but then again.. i’m high. jeremy ordered a damn bottle of chivas and we almost finished it. like 1/8th of the bottle left. i drank so much. lol.. curry was like super high and charlene was gone already. LOL. i met quite a few new friends. which was cool but i didn’t go toca me. mmm, i met jill @ 7++pm at cityhall. steph came afterwards. lol..

my legs are aching as usual and i’m almost gone. i just need my shower. i need some lovin. but it’s ok since the lovin’ don’t exist. bah… too much chivas, and vodka… i think i told curry and jeremy in the cab, if the damn police dares to come and kachau me right now. i’d slap them left right up down. lol.. no idea why i’m so pissed off with the authorities right now. i seriously need a hug. or a slap. whichever. it won’t happen.

you don’t know how lonely i am inside. argh, the emo-ness.

tomorrow, baabaablackchic. &bianco in the afternoon. it’s gonna be a long, long day.

watched travis do her gothic angel tattoo at queensway today. it looked good.

am gonna extend the dragon side. not more dragons, of course. gonna do japanese style with cherry blossoms, waves, wind to accompany the dragon. the meaning of it, for me is that no matter how hard it is (strong waves & wind), in the end it’ll all still be beautiful(cherry blossoms). for me, my dragon symbolises power, that i will not be pushed around and i will have power over myself. and the skull symbolises what i call the extremes that surface sometimes, in certain ways. even though that does not affect anyone else but myself really. left and right, darkness and subtlety/innocence. left and right, contrasts = balance within myself.

it’s 1.27am and i just came home like half an hour ago. went fagging/chilling/drinking with curry. that asshole is the best guy buddy ever. and he had to walk home after that because he didn’t have anymore buses to take back so he took another bus to yiochukang and walked back. 39 minutes of walking, my god. we went to lighthouse. it’s some chinese ktv pub, and it’s all the ah lians and ah bengs and those chinese speaking people go to. but the only reason we went in was because i remembered dawn (travis’s friend) works there! LOL.. haha so we went in and chill. had our beers and the lovely ciggies that go with beers.

it’s the same for tomorrow lah. fagging and drinking. @ sahara this time. i’m gonna try the shishaaa! hohoho~ XD alright, i was a bit high just now and i was being quite lame while walking to the bus stop with curry. laughing at our own lame jokes. and emo-ing a bit. but it was cool. as long as people don’t mistake us for a couple. when i raised that concern to curry, he was like.. who cares what they think? as long as we have fun and we know what we are, buddies. we’re all good and fine.

and i’m still wondering if i should go to dxo on sat. well, dxo sucks. but so many people are going. and saturday going to mox(bianco) for some lgbt talk thingy. the youth group. mmm, i hope it’s interesting. my story’s quite simple, i just continue psycho-ing my mum till she’s used to it and all will be good. i sound evil. (Hahaa)

imagine, it’s now 1.35am and i’m still eating “dinner”. how amazing. i should seriously stop going out so often with curry. first, i’ll go broke. second, i am always coming home late. not enough rest time, and next week’s study week before mid-years. i’m sure i will pass. because i know i will not let myself fail. therefore, study week = study week = go back to school to catch up with whatever stuff i’ve missed during all those AWOL times. (absent without leave)

yaay, rants rants & more rants. tomorrow i’m getting my cigs frm justinain. and try to last as long as possible with the two packs. cannot smoke too much. it’s costly. mmm. one week one pack? one day at most 5 sticks. this way i can last 4 days. and then after that take a smoke break of a week without cigs & then continue. we’ll see.

MMM. off to sleep. finishing the food. tomorrow wake up at 9.30am. early! history first lesson – important. and i must remind myself to ask miss esther how to write judgemental essays for mid-year. since she says it’s super important. ta!

As the words on the screen get typed out, little beads of frustration, of thought, of emotions bled from the eyes of her. It was all just an illusion, a little made-up fictional story that played by itself in her mind all the time.

Words that do not mean anything to the person saying it, can be said to never exist before. This rule does not apply to the people listening to it. It can be truth to them.

Words are heavy burdens put onto you when said. I rather not say anything I don’t mean. But it’s hard to put feelings and thoughts into words. Because that’s when people might misunderstand and unnecessary problems could arise. Thus the explanation.

Some people do not explain, never do and don’t. Some people never speak and don’t.
I don’t know what you want.

Words are, the best thing in life I could ever acquire.

seriously, i do not get it with taiwanese girls who try to seduce me on webcam. it feels funny. i swear, it’s as if they get a kick doing it. and i think they’re friends. oh wells. i have my first times. and it does work, just that i don’t want to be doing it with them. therefore the hostility. and they are hot and cute and pretty, whatever. but yeah. i’m sticking to the girl i like.

i feel kinda lucky to be watching free shows and having nice and friendly conversations, but there’s a limit to that. i just need the girl i like. that’s all i need.

anyway, i went movie again today. i ate one whole damn plate of rice and meat and vege. piled up. i didn’t think i could take in that much. it’s scary. i should cut down. i don’t want to grow fat and turn people off.

watched 200 pound beauty. was lovely, sappy romantic and sad and happy in the end. that’s what you should expect of korean shows that look like they’re very funny from the posters. haha.. you always get some sweet ending. or a very tragic one lah.

i felt emo after that, and then decided to go home.

anyhow, friday shisha and beer. saturday no more alleybar. because friday is sahara. moof. i hate dxo, i wonder if i should go. blah.. and i’m not feeling particularly poetic today. so i shall write in singlish and whatnot. i’m tired. good night.

like babe, I’m wondering if you’re gonna make me wait like this for a long way more. Cos’ someone could just snatch me away from my wandering. i miss you.. a lot.

OK, people from china/taiwan adding me randomly. so fucking weird. i know because it’s one after another. and i’m not an idiot. HAHA. obviously, probably the same person or that they know each other. just that they have webcams. and they do show their webcams. but same typing style. lol.. ok, they live in different places. lol, different location of webcam. so lame.

chinese people are weird. or at least these two women are. they like to end with hugs and a heart. the exact same one also. lol..

but one thing in common, they’re both pretty. lol.. oh wells. i’ma off to sleep. china people are weird – my thoughts of the night.