Affaire de coeur

Go do yours. and comment me your linky.

hold me. hug me. embrace.
but i don’t want to feel.
feelings make me go crazy.
it’s an internal conflict,
between the mind and heart.

today was a non-stop fight between heart and mind. the brain was trying to force the tears back in. and the feelings made the tears want to spill. it did eventually spill, out of anyone’s sight gratefully. several times. thank god for not crying in class. GOD. that would have really gotten me killed. thank god for a class that doesn’t really care whether i exist or not since i’m pretty much labeled ‘bo chup’ already.

ok, my brother just ran pass me and mumbled something about having stomach ache at this hour.

this is cracking me up. >.

past feelings of loss don’t go away easy at all. even though i should have long gotten over it. am afraid to lose something important again. so very afraid. sitting in the taxi yesterday i had to struggle with those feelings, even now. the evening felt so grim, waiting for my mum’s admission into the hospital wasn’t supposed to be so grim. but the journey there was, definitely. thoughts of what would go wrong, and if she was to pass on. silent tears. i’m wondering how we’d ever live. so dependant on her emotionally sometimes. i place the burden of my emotions on her, so i don’t have to feel it. and because she can cry and feel so much. i can withdraw and not feel anything.

if my mom believes in God, and she does. i want to know what God’s trying to do. she was going to start work again, and God – you had to create drama again. your sadistic tendencies. and she even brings the bible to the hospital.

though, i’m not clueless. i’ll still question.