Affaire de coeur

past feelings of loss don’t go away easy at all. even though i should have long gotten over it. am afraid to lose something important again. so very afraid. sitting in the taxi yesterday i had to struggle with those feelings, even now. the evening felt so grim, waiting for my mum’s admission into the hospital wasn’t supposed to be so grim. but the journey there was, definitely. thoughts of what would go wrong, and if she was to pass on. silent tears. i’m wondering how we’d ever live. so dependant on her emotionally sometimes. i place the burden of my emotions on her, so i don’t have to feel it. and because she can cry and feel so much. i can withdraw and not feel anything.

if my mom believes in God, and she does. i want to know what God’s trying to do. she was going to start work again, and God – you had to create drama again. your sadistic tendencies. and she even brings the bible to the hospital.

though, i’m not clueless. i’ll still question.