Affaire de coeur

seriously, you know what? i hate this shit. why is it when i treat people as just friends they misunderstand due to some unknown/known reason and i become their object of hidden affection or whatever shit.

man, you shouldn’t even have that thought in your head. because i would have never liked you more than a friend to start with. why am i constantly subjected to such situations? i might never know. if i ever analyze, it’d probably be due to something i’m not doing or am doing or should be doing. not in the mood for thinking right now.

conclusion: if someone agrees to pay for something for you more than a few times. he/she is usually more interested in you than what you already have.

this is so shitty. and i don’t even want to choose. especially between friendships. but i know which i want more. but i just hate the idea of needing to choose when i know having both is still the best.

–

anyway today was not too bad, shan and jia entertained me and jojo at eski bar in holland v. at first just wanted to return jo her ic. but since shan and jia were there, stayed on. then now dunno what fucking shit. zz.

shan and jia are nice people. lol. very funny. i so dig sarcasm. it just gets to me in a funny way and i like it. i wonder why i can’t be funny too, stupid moods. i don’t laugh at lame stuff. i just -_-||| .. lol~

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seriously i don’t like the drama. even though if i do follow up on whatever now, she’d probably be dramatic also. and i think i might like and dislike it. but, hmm… we’ll see. so fucking sweet, she is. now you know i have a thing for sweet and gorgeous people. lol.. i like it.

bah, i got to sleep. ta.

it’s 9.06am in the morning and i’m re-experiencing the after-effects of late night partying. even so the case, yesterday was a wonderful night. more wonderful than most of the other nights. cos yesterday wasn’t an emo night. and noris, was great at entertaining us. hah.

zits appearing. i think i shouldn’t party too much. for example tonight, cheryl asks me and the rest whether we want to go home club. i’ll see. i’m much too tired now to even go for the gym session i’m supposed to go to with sean and gang.

anyhow, met new people again. that’s like one of the aspects i love about partying. lol. what’s more if they look pretty.

am only going to school because there’s history today. and i love my history classes. yaryaryar. lol, byebye.

I saw this stranger today
She looked at me, as though she saw right through me
She felt my soul for a second

When I looked behind
While trying to find her eyes again
She was already gone.. – pur leah

i always wrote about it. except, i think the only person that’s ever made me feel that way was fiona. if there was anyone else, they always proved me wrong.

i wish one day, i can find someone that’ll make me feel a connection to their soul. so as theirs to mine.

let’s say i skipped two days of school due to carelessness and sheer “luck”. and i hate that some people don’t give me space. and i’m not even attached to them. no, i don’t need your attention every single day.

i miss art classes. i want to attend. artclasses, i want to learn painting.. more drawing. everything. let’s remind myself to try drawing portraits of people. start by pictures. LOVE. am now thinking if i should do fine arts instead. im such an idiot. i can’t even make up my mind. sheesh. ok, i’ll go off to sleep now.

i don’t wanna regret.

school’s started, it’s alright i guess. grasping things well. i think my physics is not bad, easy to understand. very logical. my chemistry is dying. lol. maths is soso.

mg lent me his ipod. lol, many many songs. and quite a bit of nice ones. 60gb ipod, what’d you expect. LOL.the korean songs are especially nice!
i’m like making goals to follow by for this half of the year.
1. smoke lesser (even though i am so craving it now, only now since 2 weeks)
2. go to school regularly
3. save more money for clothes
4. end of the year get a part time.

thats it. blog some other time. ta.

it may just be the better choice. to just go with the flow and not expect too much. and life will then pose it’s challenges to you. it may not be the right time, at all.

just go on and explore everything you want to explore. be a nerd, be some nut or be that party person again. whichever.. as long as you’re happy.

talk to yourself in a third-person perspective. it’s easier to understand things.

I’m your Opheliac
I’ve been so disillusioned
I know you’d take me back
But still I feign confusion
I couldn’t be your friend
My world was too unstable
You might have seen the end
But you were never able
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you’ve gone through hell and I say I can’t stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there’s nothing more you can do I’m gonna blame it on you
It’s not the way I wanna be
I only know that in the end you will see it’s the Opheliac in me…

It’s the Opheliac in me…

I’m your Opheliac
My stalkings prove my virtue
I’m open to attack
But I don’t want to hurt you (hurt you)
Whether I swim or sink
That’s no concern of yours now
How could you possibly think
You had the power to know how to keep me breathing as the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you’ve gone through hell and I say I can’t stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there’s nothing more you can do I’m gonna blame it on you
It’s not the way I wanna be
I only hope that in the end you will see it’s the Opheliac in me…
It’s the Opheliac in me

Studies show intelligent girls are more depressed
Because they know
That the world can lie
I don’t think for a bit they sit around and think every things gonna be alright
They know who: sides, shadows; shapes, a devil, an angel; no in-between
She speaks in third person so that she can forget that she’s me
Doubt thou the stars on fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt

Doubt thou the stars on fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt

Doubt thou the stars on fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt
I love

You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you’ve gone through hell and I say I cant stay

You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there’s nothing more you can do I’m gonna blame it on you
It’s not the way I wanna be
I only hope that in the end you will see
But never doubt
You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you’ve gone through hell and I say I can’t stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there’s nothing more you can do I’m gonna blame it on you
It’s not the way I wanna be
I only hope that in the end you will see

-taken from joanne’s blog.

I so think this is so true. Specially the part I highlighted.

Will refrain myself from clubbing, as much as possible – going out at night. And probably be anti-social for a bit. I might make day friends. I’ll do what I feel like.

It feels like a storm inside. I wonder why.

right, so i’m home from NUH. grandpa’s in the hospital and all, everybody’s sad. he was in the operating theatre when i left, but i stayed and slept for an hour and stoned for an hour. lying on hard hospital chairs by the operating theatre isn’t very comfortable. and i do not know why my family wants to put themselves through it when they know when the operation is ending. -_- the point is, let’s all be optimistic that he’ll be alright. and, you have a comfortable bed at home. why do you want to sleep on hard chairs and feel all uncomfortable and grumpy. and moody, emo, pessimistic and stuff. okay, people might not feel this way.. but yeah, that’s how i saw it just now.

yesterday morning i woke up at 9am. played sims2 for a while, bathed and went to town for my leg tattoo. it was pretty painful. an estimate of 3/4 times more painful than the back? because the back was like, nothing. -.-” the whole outlining is done. the next session will finish up the shading – colours. mother’s reaction was predictable. went to meet em at NUH after that for a bit, dinner, and went home to take a shower before heading to tocame to kinda see ace before she leaves for HK/London/Wherever (for god knows how long) on Sunday morning. Had a bit of drinks and then left for NUH, dropped ace at zouk.

am now at home, ‘happily’ enjoying aircon. and soon to enjoy the pleasures of the bed.

anyhow, here are the tattoo representations. the sparrow – my dad, the heart, me heart. the rose, purity. it’s kinda of a memorial tattoo, and putting it on my leg means that my daddy will walk together with me through my life. because he’s pretty much, always there.

here’s a picture.

well, tata. have to sleep.

okay, so i came back from camp like 2 and a half hours ago. lol, supposed to go zouky tonight but i guess i’m not? because i’m like badly sunburnt and according to my friend the nurse, hands and arm’s rashes should be caused by allergic reaction. grr. -_- so gonna wait for 2 days and see how it goes.

anyway, camp was a killer – physically. considering i haven’t been under the sun to like exercise or tan for so long! almost a year i think. but dragon boating was very fun! like, really really fun~ i’m like thinking of joining dragon boat thingy or something. just so to keep fit too. but the seawater keep flying into my eye. and then we were running in the sun like half the time. badly burnt. o_o and only my arms and knee area. so weird! my scalp also a bit burnt. (ok, and face) pain. but the rooms were not bad, air-conditioned and all. nice shower, but hard beds? lol. not nice to jump into when you have sore muscles everywhere.

have to wake up for tattoo tomorrow at 1. hmm, hope this is good. if not have to spend more money to touch up. lol.. i’ll be saving money for my backpiece probably by the end of the year or something. by some good artist. yap, sooo.. since am not going zouk. i’ll probably be sleeping soon. tired! the only week of holiday is next week.

and for a better phone. -_- old samsung phones suck big time. no camera, no music, no games, nothing. *sian* i need stuff to let me entertain myself. i feel like kinokuniya-ing soon. books, love. see i’m in totally no mood to shop for clothes. gees. only when i no money then i feel like buying. lol. ya, but books. lots of love.

bring me into a land i can watch, like a movie. picture perfect because it’s my imagination. bring me into my safe realm, bring me knowledge so i’m learning. bring me my safe haven.. somewhere i do not have to care about reality. just drown myself in words.

i’m doing the tattoo on friday. i’m going to camp for three days, hopefully to enjoy myself. and i’m awfully tired now. no internet for three days, i think.