Affaire de coeur

am all prepared to go for wye’s birthday party. i have been pretty occupied, or not. i think i have. been going out lots. i don’t know what to expect of anything.

listening to a very old song, aerosmith’s i don’t wanna miss a thing.

i don’t understand myself. even if i think i do sometimes. i don’t really know why some things function the way they do.  just when you think you do.. it turns out the other way round.

i’ve had a few alarming dreams in the past few days. actually just two. but it’s enough, because no one gets two nightmares straight in a roll. the first one hurt real bad. feelings so intense you have no choice but to give in to them and cry. two dream that intensify helplessness. second one sounds lame, but yes it still gave me despair. LOL.

i dreamt of lord voldy. and he chased me and whoever who was with me all over some mall. and we were trying to escape. but wherever we went, we couldn’t escape. talk about ‘nightmare’.  yes,and you can use magic. lol! and you can use your skills of ’siam-ing’ to siam whichever spells that come your way.  and the counter attacks too!

*meep*

tut tut.

i had a really really bad dream. i just woke up. i dreamt she got murdered by another person who likes her. and i feel really scared. fucking scared..

it’s butterflies in your stomach. and every time i think about it, i feel it. and a little tingling sensation somewhere? lol, i shall not go deeper. but it’s almost the way i like it. i don’t take initiative, that’s for sure.

yesmyheartbeatveryfastlah. dontembaressmelikethisnexttimeelainerikeiwye. justplayingtruthanddareforthesakeofsomethinghappening. omfgish. andyesithinkiwasdisappointedatfirst. butithinktherewassomethinggoingonafterthatwhenwewenttobed? okay.

shuts up.

stupidpimplesthatkeeppoppingoutofnowhereirritatingfrinks.

when the tears spill and you feel nothing. you’re so hurting inside but you’ve blocked the pathway to feeling or showing vulnerability.

and you feel peaceful right after, even though your leg’s hurting from the kick your brother gave you.

releasing it all in one shot, screaming your lungs out.

-

i wonder if you really care or just do because there are people reminding you of me. and maybe through all that you’ve formed some attachment.

every time i watch nana, i’m reminded of the past. and then i miss what it was like for a second, and then i don’t miss it again. nana to me, is you. too alike.

it’s almost like the whole world is closing in on me. and i suffocate for a minute, a second. and i struggle and it lets go. 

excuses, plenty. i’ve learned to be more selfish and not to trust the world. i’ve been naive once, i won’t be too many times again. once bitten twice shy, they say. i guess that’s where you can safely use that phrase.

i keep thinking about myself? it wasn’t like that, i used to keep thinking of other people. and i neglected caring for myself. so i followed the phrase, ‘learn how to love yourself before you love others’.  and this has led it to where i am.

but still learning.

i need constant inspiration. therefore, i’ve decided! i’ll visit flickr every three days. and look at pretty images, deviant art too. and visit mr. jimmy’s office every three to four days. exhibition is approaching, deadlines are tight. and i need good photos. and while looking at photos, i ask questions that will enable me to learn.

life is like an occasional kick in the ass.

roses are red, violets are blue. sugar is sweet.
and i love you(s).

i seem to think it’s funny, whenever you become sotong. even though it’s not that laughable. it’s cute.

i adore random sweetness. literary sweetness. acts of sweetness. whatever.

for the first time in a hundred years, i woke up on time. 10am now, 20 more minutes before i go down for the bus.

i read someone’s blog.

it seems to me that the lies are present, but i won’t say. let it be.
let this be a secret between me and you. one that you didn’t know exist.
i don’t want to initiate the truth, or say it.
because it might mean hurting someone who’s been already hurt before.

*SKIP THIS PARA TO AVOID SPOILERS ON HARRY POTTER DEATHLY HALLOWS*
it starts with curiosity, excitement, enthusiasm, then it became frustration. “this is taking a little too long, everything is moving a tad too slow. stagnant.” the loss of more people, “how many more..” and at the end of it, it could be simply described. fluffy, light-hearted and slightly amused. although the last chapter was quite lame to me. what’s with copying of so many people’s names. i think it confuses people a bit.  *end*

so i haven’t been online really, the past few days. it started on the thursday. we went for miss dawn’s performance at the back of esplanade and stayed for a bit. hanging out with the classmates. on friday, i finally really went to school and joined the classmates for gym afterwards. my upper body ached quite a bit after that, but it was good. exercising was good, after such a long while.

saturday was packed to the brim. i made sure i had plenty of sleep on friday night. i woke up early in the morning, set off to tiong bahru with my mum and brother. and collected the very last book of the harry potter collection. number 7th, the deathly hallows. i managed to finish 8 chapters before late afternoon. in the process of reading, went to mandai crematorium to observe my grandpa’s niche installed into it’s place and after, which i went for work, and had a nice time with the kids. heading straight to holland village’s settlers cafe and although throughly exhausted, soon after miraculously felt quite awake and energetic while playing games. taboo and gestures are really fun games, especially when everyone’s so fun to be with. hahaa~ after three hours at settlers, we bid those who had to leave goodbye. which left me, vicnan and ashton. we settled at the coffee club, which i still think has a nice selection of drinks comparing to starbucks. white chocolate dreams still rocks~   i’m sure we had a ball of a time talking to each other and we definitely found out a contradicting side of the shy ashton we didn’t know! lol!

alright, so other than that. my saturday night has only been spent reading the deathly hallows, finishing up well over fifteen chapters by morning. and for the rest of the day, till now – i’ve spent my time only reading the book and using a bit of computer. because i got myself a hard disk to store my stuffs. and a little just before this, i finished reading the entire book. definitely way longer than any of the other books, and a bit mentally exhausting. i think, it’s a really good book. but, i don’t feel that the book is complete. even though, the feelings that render tells me otherwise. so i guess, it’s all good for now. hahaha, i’m happy.

if they stir emotions, they’re good.

i reckon, i always knew s was always one of the good guys. i kept questioning myself throughout, does this already mean he’s proven himself bad? i kept asking myself questions. instead of only participating as one of the onlookers in this story like i usually do.