Filed under: Blogger
9 minutes has passed. and i’m still sitting here blogging. savoring every moment of feeling i’m feeling. first, it was disbelief. i thought my mum was using this stupid, absolutely ridiculous excuse to get me down to see him. i was tired. i didn’t want to move. just a few more minutes of rest please. she messaged a few more times, called thrice. okay, that’s more convincing.
i feel stoned. and i’m asking myself. if i would regret not going and seeing him one last time this time. i feel as though i’m somehow at fault whenever someone leaves. it’s like things always happen at the most unlikely times. you have no control over it, and you don’t usually expect it to happen. but like how it is now, it just happened. once again, i didn’t say goodbye for the last time. and the last time i saw him, i had no idea why i felt emotional. maybe it was the look he had in his eyes when he looked into me. his grasp and how i teared my hand away from his when i left because the rest of the family wanted to see him too. and i didn’t say goodbye when we all left.
i don’t know why i’m still sitting here, silently tearing. i don’t want to face my family that’s crying. the relatives that are crying. i don’t like it. i don’t like to feel vulnerable. and for some reason, she’s not replying either. and i don’t want to message her online.
can i just sit here and not go down? escape reality. withdraw from these feelings. because i don’t want to break down when i see another limp body on the metal cart. because i can imagine him that way now. and i can’t bear to see. i don’t want to..
please slap me, because i choose to escape into my own world. everyone will treat me like i’m a heartless brat. because i am not going down to see him.
a part of my heart is tearing itself away.
