Affaire de coeur

Sorry for the lack of updates these two days. I realize that “WordPress not connecting and the constant timeouts” only happen to that laptop of mine. And it only happens to WORDPRESS.com~ How delightful. Right, so I’m therefore seeking refuge in blogger. Until I find out a way to solve the problem on my laptop. If not I’ll just use my computer. Requires a bit of connecting. :\
Now to leave the house for dinner with the mother. Alright, ta.

Lots of love.

I always find a reason to bring myself down after being overly happy and enthusiastic for a period of time. And that’s when I find that I need to be perfect. At least in my eyes. Even if it is unrealistic.

I wonder if I’ll be truly happy after obtaining these goals.

This is what I’m talking about.

“For myself, I’ve learned never to disclose anything, and never even to acknowledge the moment when some new information was imparted. I seem to have mastered the act of behaving as though a mere pleasantry had been exchanged, one that never concerned me. The men and women in this literary country move about like players in a game of knowing and not knowing, pretence and disguise. I’ve learnt everything from these strangers who whizz by, those who guard their heart and thoughts with fierce protection.

- Quoted from Christabel C.

I can never put it into words better than her. This is when I question if I can just say anything I like, or be this detached.

In this case, no one will never know another truly unless they’ve decided to let it all out in the open.

finally wordpress decides to work. after like, over five hours. sheesh. i did type a post out earlier however when i clicked ‘publish’, wordpress decided to dc on me and it all went down the drain. Oh, the frustration!

what do you know about me? what exactly does it tell you? person who has randomly been my pillar of support and comfort. person whom i’ve known for not so long, yet so long. the irony, sweet nothings that pull me back from the place i fear so bad but words that can not be trusted. you who knows no commitment. just passing through random people’s lives and leaving them. just trying to find the way to stay. the only thing i know about you that digs deep enough. i question, what of my character do you know of me when there are loads of you that i do not know about. what, since it can be explained through just one picture. the many mes’ in the many photos and just one that really is me. person whom i want to know so badly. i scream, let me in.

a mere illustration of loneliness. is this the world i live in and the many i know live in that’s colorful or is the exuberant color all in that window plane and the world is in monochrome.

It’s miraculous! I slept early, and woke up early! And I am going back to sleep. Right, dumb. Usual routine because I wake up too early.

Doing nothing recently, or rather I think I’ll be doing nothing this month. It’s sad. Plus the fact that the final year exams are approaching and therefore have to burn more brain cells than usual. Thing is I’ve got a one week term break and I’m free. I might go gallivanting around the streets to take pictures. Like I said, short of eight more good pictures.

I think, after reading the previous post most of you might think I’m an emo kid. Well, sometimes. Not always.

Honestly, I think that facebook is waaaay better than friendster. Friendster is overrated. Plus the fact that I add anyone on friendster and only people I actually know on facebook. Huge difference. More functions on facebook too. Friendster is the one you cruise in. Downside to facebook, I don’t have many friends using facebook yet.

Okay, other than this, nothing else is really flowing in my mind. I’m running out of things to write now. Even if I had to complain about anyone about anyone, I can’t think of anyone. The most I can muster is probably that I wish Jass to get well soon, not that she reads. Forever getting sick. Bahh. And of course, vikki. another one that’s always sick.

Anyhow, update when I get struck by the lightning and have many lovely thoughts. Ciao

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I’m needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I’m needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I’m needy
Warm me up and breathe me

–

I’ve been feeling this the whole day. It’s bout time to admit it, I’m lonely.

Now, laugh.

i know what i want to be. and i’ll be working towards it. to a more decisive life! cheers.

and i know this is so doable. patience. lots of love from within.

thank you l word for making me feel the gist of life. i’m so loving vocal house/trance music these few days. specially god’s kitchen. love. i absolutely adore benny benassi.

just need to get back into the vibe of city life.
feelin cheeky tonight ~

because we were the kids that were living in this screwed up world, where adults need to tend to think maturely and do things right. that’s why the fire was kept burning, because we were naive and didn’t think more than meets the eye. even if we knew about the bad things in society that went on. the reasons why we quarreled, because in the end we had to care ..

and that’s when i was betrayed.

can you paint a picture? in this picture, it sits me and you in color. playing with wooden blocks, building a home. a shelter. with the rest of the world in monochrome. what matters were the both of us.. till the black ink seeped in and washed away all the colors.

because we could be kids.

so i end up having nothing on tomorrow. even though i planned to go photo-taking. quite penniless really. teacher’s day is sort of like, a memory that evokes sadness within. but that’s next week, so i guess it’s all right. be strong.

i think tomorrow i’ll just spend the day home watching l word and anime.

you know, emotions are a weird thing. you can never control them, you can only suppress them and it’s not all that healthy. i’m not sure if this applies to everyone, but .. sometimes you can miss someone a lot and sometimes you don’t miss them at all. so far i haven’t come across anyone who feels like that and has shared. they usually either feel or, don’t feel at all. no ‘occasionally’ s or sometimes.

and i figure that i must be weird, because i find weird things rather normal. and, when i express my opinions on forum sometimes. no one really agrees. not that it is a wrong kind of thinking or anything. it’s more of, a depends on the situation kind of answer. with different answers to different situations. and the rest usually give the model answer. and some people find some people weird, but i don’t find them weird at all. maybe i’ve chameleon-ed myself into the weirdness and nothing seems weird anymore. except those extremely weird ones.

alright, so i ate three pieces of bread with nutella spread on it and i’m feeling still, very tired. because i watched l word since i came home to feel better and pretty much stayed cheerful the whole day and as usual, randomly affectionate to the family members. brother almost risked breaking my arm, leg and could have caused me physical injuries by attempting and successfully carrying me on his shoulders (my stomach hurt though, bones are hard). and persistently pulling one of my arms and tossing me onto the bed with the aid of his back.

sometimes i think, wherever i plan to make a commitment at. or, stay for a long period of time.. i need someone to talk to. if not the internal pressure that’s suffocating me, will break me. and i will end up probably giving the impression that i’m more hopeless than i already am. even if that’s not the case, i’d feel that way.

alright, ta.

i realise that i’m prone to sudden bouts of strong emotions. i know what i am feeling. but i don’t know why i am feeling that. and it all comes so sudden due to pressure, and it’s a sudden feeling of pressure. it’s the silence that kills me emotionally even more. i am not lying when i say i don’t have any problems. yes, no problems with anyone else or anything else. just maybe myself. or so i figure right now. i was trying so hard not to cry, i didn’t know what to do. i just knew i had to come home, my safe place. even if it meant breaking commitments, even if it meant i was going to prove myself wrong and prove my teachers right that i wouldn’t go and i would in the end submit to my emotions.  and because it hurts so much inside i can’t stand it, i just need to escape. and all the thoughts come flooding through. too much to bear.

it’s like somewhere deep inside me, there’s this wound. probably my soul. but on my consciousness, i cannot really find any reason except self-fulfillment and insecurity due to financial issues and the need to improve. i feel sad, but i don’t know why. and i’ll run back into my shell. and i’m not even good at speaking, so don’t ask me to say a whole load of things. you have to ask, and trigger.

if someone can tell me why, i’d be glad to hear.