Affaire de coeur

“You could believe that the greatest wisdom consists in enjoying the present because the present is all that is real and everything else merely imaginary. But you could just as well call this mode of life the greatest folly: for that which in a moment it ceases to exist, which vanishes as completely as a dream cannot be worthy of any serious effort.”

i am reading i-D. and this is what i extracted from it.

i think i might buy i-D on a regular basis, probably.
it’s anything but normal. and nothing but weird.

another extract; Social anthropologist Thomas De Zengotita

“You in your specialness are authorised to create your own vision and philosophy, to cobble one together out of whatever notions strike your fancy. And the result? Everyone has an opinion, everone can speculate. So what the heck? Mine could be as good as the next one. To each his own worldview.”

That was extracted after, “As truth, meaning and certainty fade to a spectrum of greys, the instinct towards nihilism, to give up hope, (because, what’s the point anyway?), has become one of the primary default settings for a generation hooked on high expectations and low self-esteem. The centre cannot hold because there is no centre.”

i won’t say more. the last sentence probably made no sense. ta.

’she say you are quitting school yesterday when i go to school’ ..

what a statement. i am awfully disappointed, and disturbed. i thought you were one of the teachers that were sweet and nice. seems like i am wrong. same with the other three that don’t even bother to try to know me before talking and insulting. assumptions, assumptions, and more assumptions.

words travel faster than you think. plus the fact that i am not dumb.

just so to make it clear, i am not fucking quitting school just because there are four of you nutfucks in school. and i will verify with you personally if you did say that tomorrow.

you know, on occasion.. in a large crowd of people, no matter how large. you feel a rare connection with a certain someone. like you can understand that person. and i’m not sure if the other person feels it, but for a period of time. your gazes keep meeting. and the feelings are quite intense. i wonder what these feelings are. and if the other person feels it as well.

i feel there’s a mutual interest. but thing is, you don’t even know that person and you probably won’t approach the person because it’s weird and there’s excessive shyness.

my cellphone died! now i can’t be contacted!
  oh shit oh shit.

on a lighter note, i love my nikon speedflash sb800!  the pictures in the dark turns out superb!

i really, really, really, really, really, wanna get out of singapore right now. suffocating from singaporeishness. no one is doing anything and that probably sucks. project weeks suck too. and projects suck. i really, really, really, really want to travel.

i haven’t gotten down to uploading photos from the pictures i took the other day but i bought most of the equipment i need and that’s the only thing i’m happy about.

i think all these feelings are here because i haven’t been clubbing, i haven’t been partying, i haven’t been really having a good time, and projects suck, i’ve been pushing myself because of photography, i need to find another model because the one i wanted isn’t free, and i need to do my work for my cousin’s cousin, and i reallllyyy want to get out of singapore.   oh yah, and i’ve been totally out of relationships for over a year (left on the shelf and getting dusty already), haven’t had some lovin in a while, i don’t really clique with most of the people in school which includes some teachers, which also results in no groups for projects which frustrates.

and i just bought a game, and i’ve been on it since the day before yesterday. and my clocks upside down once again. i’ve been killing orcs, repeating effective strategies, and repetition makes things boring after a while. also been killing humans, elves, no dwarfs yet.. but yeahhh.. goblins and balrogs. if you’ve guessed correctly, it’s indeed some game related to Lord of the Rings. lol.

whatever it is, i just need to get out of this place and get into a new environment. and that is, out of singapore. i need to travel, eat foreign food, experience winter again, go into random chocolate factories, farms, stay in hotels, meet new people out there in strangerland, wear thick sweathers with lots of fur, or winter wear. sit in some random restaurant eating food i’ve not eaten before and being fascinated by sceneries around me. drink wine and eat cheese in the middle of a grass field or something.

and so yes, since i signed the repeal377a.com’s petition, i’ma say something to all you homophobics out there. just piss off, fuck yourself, and die or maybe learn that the world doesn’t only consist of you in your tiny puny world of straightness. learn how to be nice and follow the singapore pledge that people don’t even take as a role model. democracy and equality my foot, if you are a dumb stubborn homophobe. if not, have a good day.

you know, sometimes i don’t even know who to trust anymore. it’s not safe here.. and the gate is slowly closing. maybe one day it’ll shut so tight no one will be able to get in. impenetrable.

family love aside, i am just wondering what is wrong with group-hopping. i do not mean it that way, i mean it the way when you just want to make many friends. and sometimes, you do not know who to “join” and you just want to be happy. if not just be anti-social and not bother about stuff like that.

maybe i don’t understand group dynamics.

however miniature my existence or presence is, i feel that if you know a person and you consider them your friends. you should treat them equal to other friends. excluding the best friend part. and i do not mean that you should treat everybody equal too. we have best friends, very good friends, good friends, normal friends and acquaintances. what i mean is, why so clique-ish? and i thought there was something such as consideration, thoughtfulness and friendliness. unless everything is just on a superficial basis, then i would have nothing to say.

i know clique-ish is good too. stable group of friends, regular hanging out, do activities together and all the benefits of cliques. but it’s not easy to find people who can spontaneously adhere to thy interesting criterias. and on a regular basis too. so i shall stick to random group hopping, one to one sometimes and they will lose interest in uninteresting me, and then continue on with my, perhaps.. neverending journey to group hopping and people discovering.

how exciting, don’t you think?

(unfortunately, once you’ve done that a long time, you’ll realise that many people are the same.)

pod died.     one minute of silence     mum told us when we got home. he/she (up till now, one week in the running, i still can’t tell it’s gender) took it’s last breath while barely walking and mum was feeding him.

i wish my mum and brother have a long, long life. because i love them. i kinda love pod too, but i was quite impatient with him because my brother was the one who brought him/her home and i had to end up taking care of it. i wish pod reincarnates and lives a better life in future. anyways, i went to gym today. gym was alright, my stamina kinda dropped. but i’m gonna do my best to go regularly. and, i love my mum for the many things she supports me in. even though she’s way too skeptical a person. yah, and i love my brother many many. the only two people i trust a hundred per cent.

lastly, God bless Pod. Rest in peace, little one.

i read, i feel a random heart ache. all the things that used to be, all the things i used to do. you know the things you do when you are totally in love with someone yet refuse to admit that it’s love. so many excuses. so dumb, foolish even. you believe everything, you trust everything and you feel a terrible emptiness, sore, disappointment, it’s like the initial feeling of a jab with a knife into your heart.

it’s sad to know that once, you could truly give your all without feeling the need for any doubts. you could blind yourself to think that everything is real. and once you’ve been jabbed too many times, the pain fades away and numbness sets in. you become skeptical of everything. and that’s how i am now. forever chained to the feeling of betrayal. fear of more lies. because so many people now, are just shallow. it’s so hard to tug away, or rather.. rip yourself away from these chains. because it’s equivalent to just getting knocked down by a car and losing your memory.

and now, you slowly fade away to the back of everybody’s mind. i loved you. but that’s over already. 

k’s birthday was all lovely, except for the fact that i felt sucky the whole night because of headaches and sudden nausea thus turning me into a very quiet person who just desperately needs some rest. i’m glad i see anj and k together. even though it was sucha surprise when k told me. it’s all good, really.   was also great to see stephan and sarah again, stephan brought her girlfriend. lol.  hahaha, i felt so single the whole night with lovey dovey couples around me the entire time.  was awesome nevertheless~

some pictures from the beginning of the night.

k looking very cool and stylish.

me and k talking over food. i know i look horrid. i’m not photogenic.

stephan’s girlfriend and stephan who arrived a bit later.

sarah, k and anj looking good~

lastly, k and the birthday cake ordered by anj~ ahaha, happy 26th!

anyways, we were at P.S cafe near dempsey hill. it’s 28B Harding Road if you want to visit. i only tried the pasta so i can’t comment that much, but it was quite good. there’s more to try, than pasta of course. but, the place is definitely beautiful! too bad we couldn’t take picture of the place, they didn’t allow it.

to anj: if you want more photos, msg me. peace out~

alright, that’s all fer now. taa

p/s. i’m glad k liked the gift.