Affaire de coeur

P.s this is a ranting post. if you don’t like rants, don’t read.

my leg is like fucking swollen! i think i stood up too much. the tattoo hasn’t even healed. i’m not supposed to move so much. but, it’s gonna go down anyway. so it doesn’t matter too much.

so tomorrow’s lunch with jul and kren. and to lend wq the camera again.  and then the IT fair at expo to see the mac book pro! i really want to get it soooo sooo badly! :\ and lastly, home club. hmm, never been there before. no idea what to expect. but i know i’m gonna be soo broke. i’ve been spending rather lavishly lately.

anyhow, the previous post is only “censored” because its another one of those nightmares i had. not as bad as the one that was really, quite R21. this one is probably NC16. in the end i was just, why did she do that? kinda thing. and no it doesn’t involve anyone i know. ever. it’s just some random she that happened to decide to appear in my mind. i don’t even know why my mind can make up such dreams. like, i’ve never liked things like that. disgusting things.

play was not bad today. saw a number of people i knew. but thing is there happened to be some quarrels between certain people i know and just knew. separate ones. but still, quarrels. emotional uproars. heart ached a little bit, but i’m getting over it. so, it’s nothing.

i went to school today, i’m supposed to go to school every lesson from now on. because i’ve been over-procrastinating and at the risk of dropping out. so that’s not a good thing. have to put in effort.  because this last semester, i didn’t put in effort at all. except coming for the year end examinations. i mean, i know i’m at fault for being a total nutfuck. but yes, laziness gets the better of me sometimes. or, most of the time. it is really a stepping stone to my goals, o levels are. and i have no choice. and that sucks. i wish it didn’t have to suck. but it sucks.

i discovered the nicer side of ms selena today too. she was really nice. maybe because most of the rest of the teachers somehow seem to suck. but that’s okay. suddenly i’m a bit more grateful that she’s my mentor. but still, i don’t like assumptions. and i think she’s getting out of that persona thingy. and that’s good.

i am believing that life will get better as time goes by. now i just need to pass those sup papers. and be qualified to be promoted to next year.

ms selena says that i don’t make sense. thing is, i don’t make sense quarter the time. because everything is just contradictory. and i can’t give you a direct answer, ever. like, unless i’m darn clear about it.

so yeah, i’m tired and should go to sleep because i have to wake up in three or four hours. -_-” and i love qi because she’s the best and she doesn’t complain that i am still underage and that i suck for constantly borrowing her ezlink. i love qi, really. no matter how weird she is to other people. or whatever. or psychotic or whatever shit. i like weird and crazy people. it intrigues me.

okay, love to macbookpro too! really want want want want sooo badly!! i need clothes badly too, but not as badly as macbookpro! so, erm. yes. loveeeee. okay, i’m not drunk don’t worry.

sweet dreams to the lovely readers.

i really honestly think it’s the hair!

i’ve been thinking about my future macbook pro these few days! like waay too much! everyday, or rather.. every few hours i will go to APPLE.com.sg and stare at the sleekness of that sexy silver toy. i am seriously becoming a geek! i was watching the Leopard OS X video on the features and i keep getting awed by it. this is really bad. and i’ve gotten my brother to become obsessed with getting one too! LOL. HAHAHA, how mean am i!? if i had the cash, i’d get it straight right now this instant. like, stand outside the iSHOP store and wait for it to open! BUT.. unfortunately i don’t. waiting two months is like asking me to wait till i’m eighteen! wait .. it IS two months till i am eighteen. blah. i’m like looking at the tutorials and all when i don’t even have the laptop itself! i’m really desperate for macbookpro.

doesn’t help that mk got his macbook yesterday!

lalalala ~ i don’t know if i should go to play on thursday. i mean, if i go i don’t know that group’s people. and like, g will only care about l? LOL. okay, i don’t want to end up emo-ing in a corner! bleh. nah, i think i’ll have company. just that that’s a bit too reliant on one person. don’t even know who is going. i’ll go ask around~

the going to have loves;
bamboo bamboo
mac book pro
rayban sunnies
lv purse
prada bag (i dont think i’ll get this)
but i’ll get a bag anyway.
clothesies <3
makeupsies
parfum ~ versace bright crystal!
tqp membershippies!
<3<3<3<3<3

no lah, just a reminder ok? love.

my dreams know how to torture me. and it’s burning all my insides. because a smile is inconsequential, you give too many of it. regardless of how you feel inside. regardless how empty it is. just to ease off the uneasiness of another one. in this case, giving a smile is being selfless. i wish it wasn’t the case, smile like how you smile in my dreams. bright, radiant, and all-loving. smile because you’re ecstatic and happy. this way, you’re both selfless and feeding the hunger of your heart. smile like how you used to.

if everyday was an adventure, i’d fall into a deep sleep every night because i’d be too tired.

inside i know i was grinning from ear to ear, because i knew i had proved you wrong.
but i woke up and realized it was all but a dream. 

‘i would love to go in with you, but the truth is. i didn’t bring my id.’

when the whole world is there, i’m not. i can’t. i want to, but i can’t.

therein lies a hidden treasure, i call it ‘a lost innocence’. naivety, dreams. i adore yet, abhor. i think i know where you disappeared to. with the subtlest form of rejection. i think i know where i’ll disappear to, somewhere.

i’m trying to make it as magical as possible. as out-of-this-world as possible. so you’d enjoy every drop of that magic. but maybe, you won’t be able to experience the same kind of magic i experience. so it would be out of goodwill. and it will not be special.

will you read the same words and feel the same feelings i did? i do not know. but i wish you do. it’s a collaboration between your heart and mind.

i need to time out for a bit. even though it doesn’t seem like a lot of things, it is a lot of things. and it is quite a bit of pressure. i have got TONS of things to do. and i’ve been procrastinating waaaay too much!

things to do;

finish drawing by sat
pass stuff to e
do eventshoot w/ hensa+mk tmr
meet vio+ju fri
collect results fri
send moodboard to mr jim
plan more concepts for exhibit
wait for proposal to be accepted
and plan more concepts
finalize everything and do everything.
save money for more partying
go library, research more/read.
come up with lighting etc.
confirm with gem everything
confirm timing with christabel
learn how to set up everything for shoot

the irony of naming it emanuel. and weirdly coincidental.
thank you for bringing in opportunities for me, it pushed everything back to place.
now i’m supposed to get burned and continue getting burned.

don’t say sorry. don’t ever unless you’ve done something gravely wrong.
because if anyone had to say sorry, it’d be me.

and i don’t mean it to anyone else except one person.
because only one person said sorry to me today.
and tons of times even.

and the fact that i don’t accept your apology
is because you are not wrong.

tears have been pouring lately.
and i know why.

it was a probably just a brief moment in my life we interacted,
but it was one of the best times i’ve ever had. 
coupled with a shitload of heartache.

last night was pretty wonderful in certain ways, and of course there were down times. but at least the up times overlapped the downs. i was ecstatic to see ace yesterday, of course with dear n. both of them looked good and as usual, the awesome people~ hah. (christians group!! LOL ace is hilarious. yah, like who is going to stand on the dance floor in PLAY and start shibalalalaing and praising the Lord?!)  HAHA

was great to see the usual people too, and of course. i met new people as well. it was fun, quite interesting really. vio opened a hotel room because it was her prom night, and we crashed till dawn. well, for me it was till 6am when i finally decided i couldn’t sleep and since vio was pigging out with mich, who was on the other bed, i decided to just come home and slurp.

because, later there’s chalet with the 272 groupies people. lol, rikkies burday. and i suspect we’re probably going to hangover again. blah. can’t wait to see them again. hahah~

you know sometimes, when life gives you shit, you don’t run from it. you deal with it. if you really want it, one day it will be your chance to prove yourself.

so i can’t change, because it’s just not me to sex someone up for the sake of it. will still feel empty inside. when you’re holding someone, you can’t be thinking of another someone. it’s just not right.

okay, good night.  (8.58am now)

so today i did my tattoo. weird, but i’m somehow afraid to let my mum know about it. i usually don’t think twice about what she thinks about the skin art i adorn because it’s really typical for a parent to nag, lecture, criticize. i think the only reasons why i might be feeling this way is because firstly, she’s against snakes and the sort. she feels it’s satanic. and i think i ought to make clear to anyone who reads this, that it is not a proclamation that i’m satanic. or into satanism or that i’m possessed by some devil. because if there isn’t any significance to it at all, i wouldn’t go through the pain to get it.

i do not even know why people put pain into consideration when putting a tattoo. my belief is that, if you want something – not for the fun of it. but because of a certain meaning you want to instill onto your skin, then the pain shouldn’t be an obstacle. so it’s simple to decide whether you want a tattoo or not. can you afford it, do you absolutely love the design, and can you go through having that design, or word on your body for the rest of your life.

anyway, if i’m ever going to post a picture of it here. i will only do so when the whole thing is complete. snakes are a significant part of my life because i’ve been with good friends, best friends even, with people who are born in the year of the snake. and they are important because they’ve made significant changes in my life and to the person who is now sitting here, writing this – me.

today while joe was drawing the tattoo for me, not being overly superstitious, but .. glass broke, before that the hanger holding the curtain fell. i don’t know what it means, but technically these are bad omens. i’m not going to make much of it, but hope for the best.

i learnt also, while doing the tattoo. that pain is all in the mind. if you tell yourself it doesn’t hurt, it won’t hurt as much. at least that’s for me. and to see the beautiful result in a tattoo, (definitely you have to have a good artist as well) .. this is what you have to go through in order to get there. same applies to many things in life.

i believe in guardian angels.