Affaire de coeur

i have a tendency to disappear every once in a while, so one should not question so much.  today i discovered something interesting, and it’s not written on this page. 

no, i don’t like this, this, and that. it’s bugging me, it’s insulting me, and i hate it.

maybe i’m not that talented after all. now i’m confused. and i really want to leave everything at this.

i’ve come to believe that if you don’t want something, you get it. if you have the slightest bit of want or lust in you for a certain thing. you will never get it. the more you want it, the more you don’t get it. so i rather not feel anything at all. if indifference can get you that far, that is. and i’m talking about, if you were depending on luck for it. if luck exists at all.

all issues are seperate. it’s probably like a concoction, this plus this equal to this. that plus this equals to another this. if life could be described with simple words like, happy, sad, angry.. it would be easier, probably.

if the taxi moved faster, if i wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, and if the car in front jammed on their bloody breaks faster. i would have just died. isn’t that how fragile life is? yet i feel like i’m just not supposed to die at this point of time. and the seriousness of this probably hasn’t sunk in, because i think everyone would have experienced this at least once in their lifetime. 

i know a person whose words spill the drama of an old time novel. not perfected, but still .. as if her everything measures a whole mile. the thing is, it’s just exaggerated. 

two random images today morning because i miss photography and i thought the way the wind blew on my curtain had a certain peaceful storm feel to it. it’s okay if you don’t get what i mean.

today i felt like i couldn’t like girls anymore. neither can i like guys. so if today’s feeling never ends, i’ll be asexual.

either way, in the end it will hurt.

inside’s a contradiction. outside’s how peaceful it is.

i always think i am over you,
i even feel like i’m over you.

but those unexpected moments always catch me off-guard.
and the next day i wouldn’t even know why the fuck that happened.

gees. this is an instance i can’t understand myself.
because i feel and think a certain way, but things are not that way.

i swear it was the fucking weirdest thing in the world. when i saw qi, i totally wrecked myself. and the few only other things i remember clearly from that drunk moment is hugging and talking and sobbing so hard on qi, she telling me which was her bf, stefan telling me it’s an infatuation, and chanel dead drunk on the floor. and occasional glances to my opposite and repetitive calling. fuck, i don’t even remember how i started. and this is the first fucking time this happened.

i think i drank too much. LOL. i still feel dehydrated.

and my goodness, i think i’m deprived. i actually dreamed that i was playing some game. like literally, the screen and the pointer moving here and there and actual clicking on things. and it’s not like, dota or what. it’s some tycoon kind of game! LOL.. i’m so deprived!

the first half of the morning when i slept, i kept thinking of ipoh horfun and how i’d wait till like eleven plus to go down and buy it. (because the ipoh horfun at my block is so fucking good, especially the mushrooms! it oozes out juice! LOL.) and then right, my mum came home from her bakery shopping and told me they closed off completely already! then i started sulking. i mean, i was so craving ipoh hor fun right!! and they’re moving to geylang on Jan 8!! that’s bloody far away. plus right, that store lot always sells the best food! i don’t know why, the last time was the chicken rice! damn cheap, and damn good! then after that was the ipoh horfun. i never really liked the rest of the stores that much as to continuously patronize them. so i am therefore going to cook my own beehoon! like, until another good store rents that expensive lot and i shall once again, patronize them ~

i’m hungry, tata.

it’s like, a constant revisiting of feelings.
and i don’t know what’s that supposed to mean.

pulling me in with an invisible thread,
only you and i can see. probably.
and i have no choice but to oblige.

i miss you fucking bad.
real fucking bad.
and these words are not even enough.

i’m not letting you know.

tomorrow’s herstory. i’ll be going. no idea what to expect. since herstory’s well known for old butches. lol. which i am quite not interested in at all. neither do i have anything awesome to wear. unless i surprise everyone with a dress. lol, which will be darn weird. because dresses usually go with heels, and which i currently have none. i officially have nothing nice to wear.

blah, tmr we’ll see.

you know? noise should just go fucking die or something. :\ don’t fucking call someone to rsvp when the picture isn’t even fucking displayed there! okay, at least i didn’t see it. i’m darn disappointed. but wtf, not disappointed enough to cry over it or anything. thank god for being sensible! GEES. if the bloody picture isn’t there, don’t call someone to go down? because you’ll end up hurting somebody’s feelings. and if that person happens to be someone x10 more sensitive than me, then.. like, it’s a really bad thing. GAH.

(o_o i should stop being so bimbotic. really.)

anyhow, home was fun. i was laughing quite a bit. just that, according to mich. it isn’t even considered THAT fun tonight. at least, to me it was pretty fun. which then reminds me what is their definition of FUN. chanel totally k.o-ed.

once i come home from seminar later, which means i won’t be able to sleep till i’m back home again. i’ll concuss till night and be a vampire, owl or whatever it is.  mwahahahaa.

alright, tut tut. i think i’ve wasted my teens. LOL. no, like halfway there. whathaveibeendoing!? being a total depressed person since 12? bah, *gone*.