Affaire de coeur

It’s not easy to become someone special. To someone else. In general. 

It’s not easy.

Chemistry is something that’s at the back of my mind. It’s like a gift granted to you from heaven because it rarely comes by. I haven’t been able to meet anyone that’s given me the same feeling I used to feel in the past for ages.

Maybe because I haven’t had anyone mutually like me a lot and can clique for a very long time which usually leads to flirting. Maybe I haven’t been deeply enjoying life as much anymore, like everything’s just been different or me. 

Another something that baffles me. 

I guess everything went alright, even when the worst case scenario came. I think I kind of, treated things the way I would have been okay with and just went with the flow. 

Am sad Vlastik had to leave. Aw, and just when we were starting to know each other. (I’m a slow get-to-knower)  Will miss him and will definitely look forward to the next time seeing him back in SG! It was kind of a teary farewell, but before that, everything was all nice and happy fun. Which is kinda the good thing because it would be horrible if we all were sulking throughout, which would’ve made things way harder to bear. 

I’m now looking on the bright side and taking things slowly, as they come. 

Like honestly, no point, no point. When your replacement’s tired, come back to me. When you’re tired of the replacement, come back to me. Maybe then I would have become too excited. Or maybe I’d have drifted so far away when you come back to me, it’s nothing like the replacement anymore. 

Now my heart’s doesn’t feel like a part of my entire being, it feels cold. 

I wish my patience would come back to me, so waiting would not be a problem.

Too lazy to make it clear. Too lazy to go through everything. Too lazy, emotionally. And tired. 

Why are human relationships often so mind-boggling and tiresome?

Cos complex creatures that interact with other complex creatures or sometimes even more complexed creatures result in complexed relationships that take a lot of complexity to process. See, I answered it myself. Yet, this answer doesn’t satisfy me.

I won’t ever know how to say everything out. My thoughts are a contradiction. And I don’t understand myself. I’m a fucking wreck. Is there any point of you doing anything if I already said to do it? No.. It’s not the same. I’m afraid of crying, it shows vulnerability, but I want to cry in front of you. So you’d be the privileged one. My thoughts are a contradiction. I want you to be there, but I don’t want you to be there for the sake of being there. 

Had too much alcohol. I wish to die,  but I do not want to die. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want to come off as an idiot. I wanted you to be there, but I didn’t want to cry in front of you. But I wanted you to hold me tight.  But I didn’t want my vulnerability seen. 

I’m a fucktard. What an asshole I am. 

Was visiting my friendster after letting it gather dust, and figured that if I was straight, I’d have tons of ex-boyfriends by now. Lol. Why do I say that? My profile picture in friendster is me with long hair looking very hot (according to some people). HAHAHA. Not that I would actually message myself in friendster or anything. I’m just not my type. Well, unless it’s just sex. Hm, actually I might marry myself. Just that I’d be a wee irritated at myself sometimes. 

It’s quite hilarious actually. This is called viewing yourself in perspective. You should try.

Well, let’s say it’s true that things are different. I wish I could just get out of here now. I would totally dig being in a new environment. Yeah, but that’s for now. When things get better, I’ll probably be begging to stay here forever. 

I know myself. I’m that much an escapist when things suck balls. Since it’s not much repairable with my effort alone. 

You know, things which are obvious to me but not obvious to you because you’re just avoiding it? It makes me want to run away and not come back. Because you’re just closed up and you don’t want to face it. I could find all the reasons why and list them out to you, the evidences. But if you say it’s nothing, then I can’t say anything else. Can I? 

In the end, everything I think up are just assumptions and it’s me being overly-sensitive. It’s me, not you. Right? 

And the other person that’s just messaging me to know how you are doing because he/she isn’t there. How dumb. I can read your mind already. No matter how subtle and non-confrontational your approach is. 

Maybe I just am thinking too much. Thoughts kill.

I can’t fucking believe that I slept with your bandana next to me the few days you weren’t here. The only physical reminder of you. I just realized. What a dork I am. This is fucking insane, in a bad way. Wtf. Talk about learning not to be dependent. It’s just a fucking lie, I’m in denial. 

Wow, officially. Hooray. 

*Murders colorful balloons with f*cking sharpened needles*