Affaire de coeur

I’ve got a problem. I am not excited, I am not feeling enthusiastic and I can’t wait to get out of the house, go somewhere new, make new friends, do something new, and I need money. 

You know why I’m so stuck up about money? Because money is my key to freedom. My key to doing whatever fucking thing I want to do. And I really do wish I was born into a rich family, with the same people, same personality like how I am now, and everything is the same, except that we’re awesomely rich. 

If I was rich, I could just go on an impulse one-person trip to Japan, to Europe. Okay, maybe not one person. Maybe with someone else that I could sponsor. I could just buy a fucking car, drive around the whole of Singapore. Wherever I wanted to go, I’d go. And learn the driving license. Buy my own apartment in the central district. Decorate it. Feel fucking awesome about everything. Sit at Starbucks and read a book. Not that I can’t right now, but it would be wasting money. I would probably go to all the luxurious places in Singapore and enjoy myself to the fullest. Do the SPAs, soak up in a jacuzzi. Invite people over to my place and we can all just have plenty of fun. 

I could just shop non-stop and not think about how big a hole it would burn in a pocket. Things would be so fucking different. 

Just that, I probably wouldn’t know who was true to me. In fact, maybe I still am not sure. Lies break everything. Spoil everything. And just knowing someone lied to me is enough to break that trust. Even the small little lies. White lies. You don’t even have to let me find out you lie. You just have to let me feel that something’s amiss to set the fire. 

It is like, you can’t even be safe to say something honest to someone. Be honest to your feelings. Be true to who you are. Tell the truth. Be nice. Play safe. And expect the same from others. I do all these, but I do not get the same shit. I get flared up at unreasonably. I get scolded. I get fucked upside down. I get the cold shoulder. Treated differently. And I am not even told why. Or I am just being ridiculed because of someone else’s temper. Judged, again and again for things I’m just being honest to. Just had to share and I get targeted. And then I become wrong to become angry. And I have to throw in the white flag for the sake of peace and harmony. 

What is this world becoming? Perhaps it’s been this way all this while. Just me, in denial again. Hahaa. This is really, an abuse of power. 

I don’t find trouble, trouble finds me.