Now I feel like taking back the asking for forgiveness part and trying to make things right part. Because your revenge part is really too much. 

How I miss the times where it was only the few of us. Now that you’ve pulled in so much more, things are too different, very hard to swallow, and G will just be a figment of what we had a month ago. 

Damn, feelings have really made my thoughts very volatile. It’s scary.

The shocking truths that turn up. 

She’s no angel. 

I’m really in the mood to cease all contact with you. You don’t give two fucks. And you won’t ever give that two fucks. Even if I am gone. I’m convinced. 

I burnt nirvana because of you. 

I should just keep living a lie. See, it just sounds wrong like this. Who the fucking hell would in their right mind tell themselves to keep living a lie. Obviously you would just want to see the truth, and you would want to be true to yourself and your feelings right.

If I’ve ever been egoistic and high up there, it’s when I didn’t say anything to you at all. Even if this kind of logic sounds twisted, it’s true. When I decided to confront you, I decided to give in to my heart. But the consequences to bear, the actions to take, I really don’t bear to.

Because I can’t stand another day I have to look past you, avoid looking at you, have nothing at all to say to you but boring questions, no laughter, no smiles, look at you when you laugh somewhere and I feel an aching coldness in my heart. Say I will do what it takes to get over things. Saying no more big hugs, ceasing contact, is like cutting away a part of me. Not doing it is worst, throwing those parts into fire and watching it burn and crisp. 

Let’s see. For now, I’ll call this ‘The Factory Cube’. And my summary of the whole project for the time being, is an insanely built club underwater coupled with an underwater hotel. Built with durable glass or something that can withstand water pressure. 4 Levels High and Wide. Irregular spaces in between to create totally different environment for the avid party person. Out of the world themes. And coffee bars. Supposedly catering to every partygirl/boy’s dream. I think this will become a tourist attraction too. OK, idea still pending. Long way to go anyhow. Yah, don’t steal my idea okay. If all goes well in future, this will be a massive project. 

It is a dream. The awe-tastic insaneness with stunning visuals flashing through my mind. Neon, HUGE signboards, dramatic colors, in one room, a mini garden with real grass and lovely street lamps, benches and little lights and a bar. A dream garden with a permanent dreamy and romantic atmosphere. The most exclusive club ever. :p I will stop at nothing to make it the best.

Okay, now you may laugh at me. Hahaha. Sounds pretty unrealistic but yeah, this is one humongous dream that might or might not come true. We’ll see. 

And, I’m currently in love with Katy Perry’s I kissed a girl.  

I’m damn hungry now. I still haven’t gotten down to checking if the Leica battery is down. But I did get down to cutting my hair which has been delaying for ages. Now the back seem a wee too short. 

I’ve been really getting used to doing things alone. Which can be a good       and a bad thing. People can see it as a loserish character. I personally prefer human company, so it took a bit of insensitivity towards the surroundings and environment to get used to. Still not that insensitive yet. I still kind of care. 

I wonder if it’s me that should take the initiative and get back to where I was. Because usually in this case, I’d conclude that no one gives a shit. Maybe I’m wrong. Hah.

The visuals were stunning. Seeing how the black clouds slowly got removed, planning. The whole city in a grey and all is chaotic. All waiting for the huge ending. 

The thought that was still lingering, the reason I was casted aside. What he was going to repeat before I woke up. Is what I am guilty of in real life. Procrastination, not putting my words into actions. And being so flexible, anything goes. 

And I feel bad about yesterday. Very. I don’t know why. You know, I do think that I have to solve feelings that people inflict on me. I do feel the need to prove that everything is not all just nought. But today morning I feel so bad that I was being unbelievably annoyingly selfish. 

Honestly, I am wtf-ing at myself now. My excuse is that I get paranoid. I really need a break out of Singapore. I really do. It’s killing me just not doing something that’s entirely new and I just start picking on the bad things again because people keep reminding me of it. 

But I guess, I’ll just go with the flow with this one. Fuck, I miss.

Actually, I think there are different sorts of friends. And I am rather lazy to list them out. But still, whatever the term ‘friendship’ is, there shouldn’t be ‘lies’ in it. I’d rather ‘lies’ never start. You may think so too. But when it does get down to the actual thing, it’s all different. 

Which is why I am contemplating if I should go to the party at all. I am not interested in dispensable friendships. Why would there be any point in investing time in it then? When I leave, all these will be gone. If I return a few years later, will you still remember me? It will be a one-way ticket. Everything would then have changed. Priorities, friends, loves, jobs. 

I don’t really like change even though I want change. Because if change happens, it will never really be the same again. No matter how hard we try to make it exactly the same. Nothing will be the same.

Here I am, patiently waiting for your calls. Three of you. If I mean enough, you would call. I wouldn’t have to message and ask or tell. I am just trying to prove to myself that I’m not wasting my time and this is not all talk.

You know why I’m so stuck up about money? Because money is my key to freedom. My key to doing whatever fucking thing I want to do. And I really do wish I was born into a rich family, with the same people, same personality like how I am now, and everything is the same, except that we’re awesomely rich. 

If I was rich, I could just go on an impulse one-person trip to Japan, to Europe. Okay, maybe not one person. Maybe with someone else that I could sponsor. I could just buy a fucking car, drive around the whole of Singapore. Wherever I wanted to go, I’d go. And learn the driving license. Buy my own apartment in the central district. Decorate it. Feel fucking awesome about everything. Sit at Starbucks and read a book. Not that I can’t right now, but it would be wasting money. I would probably go to all the luxurious places in Singapore and enjoy myself to the fullest. Do the SPAs, soak up in a jacuzzi. Invite people over to my place and we can all just have plenty of fun. 

I could just shop non-stop and not think about how big a hole it would burn in a pocket. Things would be so fucking different. 

Just that, I probably wouldn’t know who was true to me. In fact, maybe I still am not sure. Lies break everything. Spoil everything. And just knowing someone lied to me is enough to break that trust. Even the small little lies. White lies. You don’t even have to let me find out you lie. You just have to let me feel that something’s amiss to set the fire. 

It is like, you can’t even be safe to say something honest to someone. Be honest to your feelings. Be true to who you are. Tell the truth. Be nice. Play safe. And expect the same from others. I do all these, but I do not get the same shit. I get flared up at unreasonably. I get scolded. I get fucked upside down. I get the cold shoulder. Treated differently. And I am not even told why. Or I am just being ridiculed because of someone else’s temper. Judged, again and again for things I’m just being honest to. Just had to share and I get targeted. And then I become wrong to become angry. And I have to throw in the white flag for the sake of peace and harmony. 

What is this world becoming? Perhaps it’s been this way all this while. Just me, in denial again. Hahaa. This is really, an abuse of power. 

I don’t find trouble, trouble finds me.